Have you ever felt yourself missing the person that has abused you or caused you an immense amount of harm? Have you ever caught yourself justifying their past behaviors even if you know they were wrong?
What is trauma bonding?
- We are naturally included to turn to the person we love when we experience something frightening (we even do this with our abusers)
- After abuse occurs, the abuser follows it with an act of kindness.
- The pattern of this occurring creates what we call a “trauma bond”
Common Symptoms
- Obsessing about someone that has hurt you, even if you are away from them
- Seeking contact from someone that you know will cause you pain
- Continuing to be civil, even if they have harmed you
- Trusting the same person that has proven they cannot be trusted
- Having a hard time leaving unhealthy relationships
- Waiting for admission of guilt from someone that does not care
- Maintaining contact with someone that has shown no responsibility for their actions
Breaking the Trauma Bond
- Stop yourself while fantasizing about how they might one day change. Say to yourself the following things:
- “I love them, but I do not want to love them”.
- “Oops, I was fantasizing about good times with them even though they never last with them”
- “I am being pulled back in, and I do not want to be”.
- Stay grounded in the evidence of how their behavior is the same
- Understanding the pattern of how the relationship has evolved
- Remind yourself how their past behavior has impacted you and continues to impact you
- Be kind to yourself. Avoid blaming yourself when you realize that you are falling back into the pattern and know that you are not to blame.
- Cut off all contact with the individual if you are able to
- Work with a mental health professional to help identify patterns in the relationship and how to handle situations
7 Stages of Trauma Bonds
- 1. Love bombing – showing praise and attempting to flatter you in ways they know you appreciate. Seems as if they have good intentions and puts positive imagine into your head of them.
- 2. Gaining your trust and dependence or giving you hope for the future.
- 3. Blaming or criticizing you to make you feel bad about yourself during an argument.
- 4. Manipulation through gaslighting – causes you to believe that you are the problem
- 5. Addiction – become addicted to the positive reinforcement that comes after the abuse
- 6. Loss of self – you begin to lose your sense of self
- 7. Submission – you give in to avoid conflict and to please the other person.